Times...They are a changing

I've lived my whole life trying to be something.  I never fit in just being me so I tried being things I wasn't.  And now I have no idea who I am.  I use to pride myself on being a strong independent woman, and I use to be a strong independent stupid woman.  Now I am nothing.  I take commands as they are given and I do what makes everyone else happy.  For 5 years I have been in the shadows.  Helping other people get their lives together.  Helping them reach a happy medium.  But that happy medium is never going to come for one person.  He is always going to to let himself be unhappy.  He is always going to keep reliving the past.  As much as he claims to love me, I think he is to trapped in his own head to truly love anyone.  You must love yourself before you can love others.  And for the other I have been helping, you can't change genes.  I know that people say it always comes down to ones self, you choice your own destiny.  But if a whole family is crazy a child born to that family is going to end up crazy.  I'm sorry but I am a product of my parents.  I may have gone down a different path but I still ended up in the same boat as them.  If someone is born from the trashy version of the devil they are not going to grow up into an elegant savior,  they are going to at some point have the same tendencies as their trashy version of the devil parent.  I'm sure if Charles Manson had a kid he's not out there planting trees and handing food out to the homeless.  I am sure that kid is fighting urges to kill kittens and puppies. 

I think I just need to get away.  Get away from the chains that bind me.  Get out of the shadows and into the light.  I am tired of living my life for others. Making other people happy before making myself happy.  I will from this day forward be as true to me as I possibly can be.  I don't give two shits about hurting feelings anymore.  My feelings have been hurt since I met my not so charming prince and I am fucking done.  I want to be the strong woman I know deep down I am.  I want to be able to be a mother to my kids and not feel guilty about it.  I want to be me god damn it!! 

Oh Annabelle

So I have recently been struggling with my choices regarding Annabelle.  I did what was best at the time but didn't think it would mean that she was out of my life forever.  My ex won't return my calls, although it probably doesn't help that I didn't have his new number, or my emails or even my facebook messages.  He hates me, and he has every right to.  He however doesn't not have every right to keep my daughter from me.

The thing he never quite understood that it was never Annabelle I didn't want it was him.  And I knew she would be better off staying with him while I tried to get my life together.  He never could understand the statement "we are split up" no matter how many times I said it he wanted to deny it.  I was the crazy one, I was the one completely in the wrong.  I was in the process of finding a roommate when Mr. Right walk into the picture.  It's not like I planned it or saw it coming. 

But shame on me, she was so young.  She never got a chance to know me.  And now that she does she is denied it.  She has a half sister and brother  and a step sister who would love to get to know her but will never get the chance.  Because Ex's pride is in the way. 

I will be the first to admit it.  I was wrong.  A complete and utter idiot for leaving her.  But it was what was right for her.  I could apologize until I am blue in the face.  But none of that will change the fact that my daughter is being raised my another woman and has no idea I exist.  I'm worse than The Baby Killer.  At least her spitting image remembers her. 

I am praying for a change.  And I am praying for a chance to know my daughter and for her to know me.  I don't know what will happen, but I won't give up hope.  Someday she'll resent him for keeping me from her. And someday she'll know that her real mother never gave up hope and always loved her, regardless of what her father has told her.  I just wanna see my Annabellie

Times They Are A Changin'

I'm tired and I'm busted.  I don't remember the last time I was truly happy or a time when I didn't have that ping of resentment in my heart.  I can truly never be happy.  I am saddled to a man who is even harder headed than I am.  Who's so focused on his own stuff that he can't seem to think about anyone else.   I spend my days taking care of a family I don't even feel connected to.  I clean, cook, entertain, make sure everyone's needs are meet and everyone one has what they need to be happy.  But NO ONE does anything to make sure my needs are meet to make sure I have everything I need to be happy.  No, I just get talked down to.  Told how certain people have to do things a certain way or I become a horrible monster to be around.  Told that I can never see the error in my ways.  Maybe it's you who turns into a monster if things don't go your way and maybe it's you who is unable to see the error in his way but are to busy pointing out everyone else's faults and problems.  If I could run away I would.  If I could just get in the car and drive away from this I would.  But I can't.  These damn kids.  My life will forever be torture because of the stupid stupid choices I have made and now have to live with permanently.  Some one please come and but a bullet in my brain because I really can't do this anymore. 

I hate myself so much.  I use to be such an optimistic person, but six years spent with a man that drags me down has changed that.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The tunnel has been black for sooooooooooooo long.  There is no hope for me.  He is never going to change and I am never going to be the woman he seems to want me to be.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  Nothing matters anymore.  The simple joys I had, like reading a good book, have been stomped out.  I no longer enjoy music.  I don't even watch my beloved Munsters.  I know that I am the only person to blame for the situation I have gotten myself in but, FUCK it sucks.  Seriously someone please come and end me... because these times they are a changin' and it isn't going to be pleasant.

Moving Forward

I feel as if lately I have been growing a lot as a person.  I guess it feels most like I am relating less and less with younger people and more and more with "adults".  Don't get me wrong I am still a weirdo and act like the biggest tard at times but I definitely feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life.

I took a big step today, I sent my step father a letter of apology.  I have known for some time now (since I got sober) that it was something that I needed to do but I was still to hurt and filled with anger.  For the first time I saw things from his side.  I realized how hard it is to be a step parent and a good one at that and how difficult I was a kid.  I apologized for my actions but didn't take responsibility for his actions, which was hard for me.  I tend to take responsibility for to much.  He was a complete and total ass to me and he was the "adult" so technically he should have known better,  but I do understand it was hard and I made things even more difficult.  I just hope this step will lead us in the right direction.  We have (him more than I) been at each others throats for some time now and it just doesn't make any sense to keep it up.

I hope this new chapter I am starting leads me down a less destructive and more productive path than I have been on before.  I really feel like I finally have my head on straight and can see past all the prior bullshit.  The future is wide open and I can't wait to embrace it!

Ode to Mother

You left me alone in this world.
With no hope for my broken soul.
I have risen above that, I have found strength through pain.
I was hurled into this world without a clue.
But I know who I am once again.

Someday you will see past the curtain that blinds you.
Someday you will be released from the chains that have bound you.
Someday you will know me again, you will see that I am still as much apart of you as you are of me.

As you turn your view from me
And walk away from your faults and fears.
I will continue to call your name
In hopes that someday you will gather up the reins of the past and lead us into the future.

Someday you will see past the curtain that blinds you.
Someday you will be released from the chains that have bound you.
Someday you will know me again, you will see that I am still as much apart of you as you are of me.

You can't hide who you are from me.
I won't give up hope.
I won't let you fail me.

Someday you will see past the curtain that blinds you.
Someday you will be released from the chains that have bound you.
Someday you will know me again, you will see that I am still as much apart of you as you are of me.

Someday we will be whole again...

Get Away

This month has been a long one.  The kids have been on Spring Break for a month.  It has been the longest month of my life.  It doesn't help that the oldest is at the age where everything is a question and yet no answer given is correct.  I have gotten so tired of hearing "Mom! What does...?" or "Mom! Why does...?", so annoying.  The younger two have been trying to say out of trouble but the two of them together is trouble, so they haven't been doing a very good job.  The boy is getting more violent the more time he is forced to hang out with his sisters.  I can not wait for it to go back to he and I. 

I have been feeling more and more like slipping away.  Just leaving everyone behind for a few days.  I need to recharge my battery.  Be an adult and not just a Mom.  If I knew having kids was this darn hard I would have never signed up for this.  They are all cute when they are ity bity but as soon as they get out of that cute baby stage they slowly begin to mess with you life and you head.  Ahhh kids.  I want to run away.  I wish I could kidnap Chuck and we could both run away.  Leave the blood suckers to fend for themselves.  I know I can't ever do that, but FUCK I sure do wish I could.

I think I might try and stay with my Dad this weekend.  All my friends live to far away or are busy with there kid free lives.  Maybe I can just be Liz again.  Because that's all I really want.  I want an identity that doesn't involve being a mom or a wife.  Although I am both of those, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes it would be nice to be me.  I just want a life.

Good-bye to a Hooker

A very close family friend passed away.  A brother to The Husband.  It seems so weird.  Like it didn't happen.  It still hasn't completely sunk in that we won't be seeing him again.  We won't drink another beer with him, we won't have another cook out with him, we won't ever talk to him again. 

When my grandmother passed it was easier, as easy as death can be on a person, she was older and had been suffering.  She had pretty much given up her will to live and was asking God to bring her home.  He was only in his thirty's.  Full of life, wanting nothing more than to run his business, love his wife and live life to the fullest.  I know there were issues and complications that his body just wasn't able to over come.  But it still doesn't seem fair.  He had so much going for him, so many blessings from God.  All to be taken away.  I know he is at peace now, no longer in pain.  But man is he going to be missed.  He affected our lives so much, so I know he must have been a major factor in a billion other lives.  He was an amazing guy.  He never gave up or gave in.  He always had a dream and was always trying to reach it.  He had a head on his shoulders.  And although he tried to act tough he was a big old softy when he was around his family and friends.  He had fine taste in classic cars, if I do say so myself.  And he sure knew how to pick an amazing wife.  When he was lacking strength she had it.  They were made for each other.  I remember all the drunken car rides home when he and The Husband would get hammered.  I remember shooting the shit with him.  And the pool party and the birthday parties.

I have learned so much from him and his wife.  I have learned never to let anyone or anything get you down.  He showed me no matter how shitty the situation there was always a GOLD lining.  And to always keep dreaming.  She showed me how to really be a wife.  How to be amazingly strong when you just want to give up.  And how to handle yourself when your insides are breaking.  I am so grateful to have gotten to know and love him because without him I wouldn't have been able to know and love his amazing wife.

RIP my friend.  Without you San Diego would have been another Nashville.  You saved us from ourselves and introduced us to San Diego(and pretty much everyone in it). Xoxoxo, we will never forget you and always love you...See you in heaven buddy.

Onto Year Six

Our five year anniversary has come and pass and now we are moving on to year six.  It was an amazing day filled with good times, good food, and lots of love.  I really enjoyed myself and the husband was AMAZING!

I look forward to year six and the new and exciting things we are going to encounter.  I will be graduating school and hopefully getting a job.  The oldest will be starting middle school, the middle will be starting kindergarten and the youngest will be starting preschool.  The husband will hopefully be playing music with a few other guys.  I have hopes that year six won't be so bumpy.  That the road will smooth out.  We have gotten rid of all the losers in our lives that drag us down.  And our communication skills have really gotten better.  The husband is working at a very busy shop now so hopefully that will increase our money and decrease our stress over bills.  Yup year six is already looking up.

I feel so blessed to get to share my life with a man who I have so much in common with.  I am so glad he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Sometimes I swear he understands me better than I understand myself and vice versa.  Life can always get better but with the husband by my side it can never get worse.  Thank you Lord for blessing me with a wonderful husband and three beautiful kids.  I couldn't have hope for anything better! 

Once upon a time...

A girl found a boy on myspace and sent him a friend request and a simple message.  That simple message blossomed into a beautiful friendship and then a long loving relationship.  Five years ago tomorrow the husband and I got married. 

Our relationship has had a bumpy road to say the least.  We had a crazy baby killing ex wife trying to drive us apart every week.  A crazy judgmental ex-girlfriend trying to drive us a part at the beginning.  And, at the beginning, a non supportive family on both sides.  Life was chaotic and we never had a lot of money.  But we made it.  We almost didn't make it a few times.  I thought for sure this is the end.  But our love of one another shown bright even threw the darkest parts.  People started to realize that we were going to make.  Then we packed up and moved across the country and a whole new set of problems arose.  But we made it threw those, by the skin of our teeth! 

Five glorious and not so glorious years of marriage have thought me a few lessons about myself and about my other half.  The most valuable lesson I learned was learning to compromise.  Its still hard but it has to be done.  He doesn't always want what I want and I don't always want what he wants.  I also learned that he is my best friend.  And no matter how many crazy bitches come into my life he is always the one left standing.  I also learned that age doesn't matter.  I learned that one persons life is never better than the others, just different.  I have learned patience, but I don't know how much that is from the husband or the kids.  I also learned how to love someone more than I have ever loved anyone before.  I learned that you have to be open and honest at all times with your spouse, that they are here to help not hinder.  He also thought me how to shine my boots and how to do a correct sit up.  He gives me strength when I have none and hope when I feel empty.  He loves me despite my many flaws and would give me the world if he could.

I know not everyone believes in soul mates but I do believe I have found mine.  He the yin to my yang, the cheech to my chong.  The peanut butter to my jelly.  He completes me.    So this one goes out to you, my husband,  thank you for the wonderful life you have blessed me with.  Even though I dislike it a lot of the time, I still love you with all my heart every day.  Here's to five years down and many more to go!  I love you sugartits!

Man's Best Friend...well woman's too

"Did someone say Bacon?!"


Dogs make everything right for me.  They center me when things start getting to crazy.  They help me unwind just by simply letting me pet them.  They are constant reminders that if I am not calm and collected on the inside I can't be calm and collected on the outside.  I try and treat my family the way I treat my dogs.  I can't stay mad at the dogs for long and I transfer that way of thinking over to the husband and kids.  It's crazy because I feel like my connection with dogs is growing stronger every time I inter act with them.  I can't wait to start school so I can graduate and get paid to do the thing I love most, spend time with dogs!

Rainy Days

Rainy days always make me very melancholy, so to keep from getting the blues I go into crazy cleaning mood.  Well there is nothing left to clean and I am still feeling a little blue.  The husband is frustrated with me.  The kids are to busy playing with each other and the dogs are snoozing.  I am all alone, but what else is new. 

I often feel like I am living in that movie Ground Hogs Day.  Just repeating the same day over and over.  I have done pretty much the same thing every day for well over a year now.  And it's getting old.  I don't know how mothers who have been housewives 2+ years don't blow their brains out.  My whole life I have spent fighting routine.  I always wanted to be different, live outside of the box.  And here I am being jammed into the box kicking and screaming.  I know how overplayed this saying is and how everyone says it, but I really do believe I am a "free spirit" but not in a hippie sort of way. 

I am so excited because things are finally looking up.  My brother agreed to help me go to school to become a dog trainer.  I haven't spread my wings completely yet but it does feel nice to stretch them out.  I just hope this is the right path for me.  I keep thinking, oh I would be good at this, oh I'd be good at that, but I know I will be an amazing trainer. 

I have been thinking about the paths we take in life.  And how God has presented me with so many different choices or paths in my life.  How different would things be if I would have just changed one or two decisions I made? Would I still be sitting at this computer bitching about my life? I am sure the answer is yes to that last questions.  I have to admit that in this one particular area I am just like my mother.   She was never happy, always looking for the next thing.  Always trying to find that thing or person that would make her happy.  I know what makes me happy, the husband, the kids, and the dogs.  But I am just not happy with me.  I know that I was put on this earth to do so much more then just being a housewife.  That is something my mother hasn't figured out.  She just keeps searching, thinking it can't be her she's unhappy with, it must be someone or thing else. 

I have spent so much of my life looking up to my mother and the past few years I have spent hating her.  But now I pity her.  She's lost out on so many good things because she just packed up and left, she made me lose out on so many good things.  But now I can see that she is just a scared woman, afraid to make it on her own or to realize that she is the reason behind her unhappiness. Not her evil husband, not her ex drug addicted daughter, and not because she's not making enough money. 

I hope that I can look at my mother in a different light now that I have come to this realization and let go of the resentments I have had for all the heartache she has caused in my life.  All I can do is give it to God and hope for the best.

I really don't want to end up like my mother, alone because she drove everyone who ever loved her away.   I will pray for you Mom, because right now you need it the most.

The Valentines Week From Hell

This has been, I would have to say, the worst valentines day/week of my life.  Even when I was alone on Valentines day they didn't suck this bad!  It all went wrong on the dreaded valentines day.  This year the husband and I decided we were not going to be spending money on each other.  So a few days before Valentines Day I made him a sweet card and bought him a chocolate heart.  The husband proclaimed he would be writing a song about me.  He always has to top me, is what I thought when he said that.

It's 9:00 AM on a beautiful Monday, but this Monday is special.  It's valentines day. To my surprise I awake and don't hear the voices or screams of small children.  Could it be, I was actually able to sleep in?!  The husband did a wonderful job, that would have made my valentines day.  Then he walks in carrying his guitar and asked me to step outside with him.  He then serenades me with the sweet song he wrote about me.  I don't cry, but I am touched by the song and flattered that he wrote it for me.  I can tell he's a little upset.  I am unsure what I did wrong and decide to give him a big kiss and head in for coffee.  When I get to the pot, the husband had drunken it all.  When I get back to the husband to ask if he had made any, he was glued to the computer.  The day went on like this.  All he could think of was that stupid song and recording it.  All he talked about was that stupid song.  When I suggested we put on some love songs and have some afternoon delight he asked me to help him work on that stupid song!  He worked on that stupid song the entire night.  Leaving me alone to deal with our children, the house, and all the chores.  It was like he was saying "Happy Valentines Day babe.  I know I'm home but I figured you would really enjoy a day alone with the kids" when he knows I spend every freaking day with the kids!

To bad the week didn't get any better. The husband didn't really seem to understand why I was upset with him.  Even after explaining my reasoning.  His excuse, men don't think like that.  Only woman do.  Well if you already know woman think that way then why not try to act like you care?  I just got madder and he got clingier. It seems that when I really need space and am upset he crawls further up my butt.  I can't fucking move with out him asking me if I am okay.  He asks me like twenty times a day if I'm mad at him.  This whole issue would have been resolved if he would have just given me a little breathing room.  Men are silly and I sure have a hard time understanding them.  But I am certain they can say the same thing about us.  We have kids together and I know I never want anyone but him raising my kids but sometimes I sure would like to give up and walk away.  But life isn't easy and it gets harder when you try living with someone else.  If marriage was easy everyone would do it.

So even if this has been a valentines week from hell at least it was a valentines week from hell I got to go through with my family.  Because no matter what, I know I will always have my family!

Oh and don't get me wrong...I love my husband very much and sometimes his clingyness is sweet.  But sometimes he is knuckle head.  I love you husband, even when you upset me or piss me off!