Man's Best Friend...well woman's too

"Did someone say Bacon?!"


Dogs make everything right for me.  They center me when things start getting to crazy.  They help me unwind just by simply letting me pet them.  They are constant reminders that if I am not calm and collected on the inside I can't be calm and collected on the outside.  I try and treat my family the way I treat my dogs.  I can't stay mad at the dogs for long and I transfer that way of thinking over to the husband and kids.  It's crazy because I feel like my connection with dogs is growing stronger every time I inter act with them.  I can't wait to start school so I can graduate and get paid to do the thing I love most, spend time with dogs!

Rainy Days

Rainy days always make me very melancholy, so to keep from getting the blues I go into crazy cleaning mood.  Well there is nothing left to clean and I am still feeling a little blue.  The husband is frustrated with me.  The kids are to busy playing with each other and the dogs are snoozing.  I am all alone, but what else is new. 

I often feel like I am living in that movie Ground Hogs Day.  Just repeating the same day over and over.  I have done pretty much the same thing every day for well over a year now.  And it's getting old.  I don't know how mothers who have been housewives 2+ years don't blow their brains out.  My whole life I have spent fighting routine.  I always wanted to be different, live outside of the box.  And here I am being jammed into the box kicking and screaming.  I know how overplayed this saying is and how everyone says it, but I really do believe I am a "free spirit" but not in a hippie sort of way. 

I am so excited because things are finally looking up.  My brother agreed to help me go to school to become a dog trainer.  I haven't spread my wings completely yet but it does feel nice to stretch them out.  I just hope this is the right path for me.  I keep thinking, oh I would be good at this, oh I'd be good at that, but I know I will be an amazing trainer. 

I have been thinking about the paths we take in life.  And how God has presented me with so many different choices or paths in my life.  How different would things be if I would have just changed one or two decisions I made? Would I still be sitting at this computer bitching about my life? I am sure the answer is yes to that last questions.  I have to admit that in this one particular area I am just like my mother.   She was never happy, always looking for the next thing.  Always trying to find that thing or person that would make her happy.  I know what makes me happy, the husband, the kids, and the dogs.  But I am just not happy with me.  I know that I was put on this earth to do so much more then just being a housewife.  That is something my mother hasn't figured out.  She just keeps searching, thinking it can't be her she's unhappy with, it must be someone or thing else. 

I have spent so much of my life looking up to my mother and the past few years I have spent hating her.  But now I pity her.  She's lost out on so many good things because she just packed up and left, she made me lose out on so many good things.  But now I can see that she is just a scared woman, afraid to make it on her own or to realize that she is the reason behind her unhappiness. Not her evil husband, not her ex drug addicted daughter, and not because she's not making enough money. 

I hope that I can look at my mother in a different light now that I have come to this realization and let go of the resentments I have had for all the heartache she has caused in my life.  All I can do is give it to God and hope for the best.

I really don't want to end up like my mother, alone because she drove everyone who ever loved her away.   I will pray for you Mom, because right now you need it the most.

The Valentines Week From Hell

This has been, I would have to say, the worst valentines day/week of my life.  Even when I was alone on Valentines day they didn't suck this bad!  It all went wrong on the dreaded valentines day.  This year the husband and I decided we were not going to be spending money on each other.  So a few days before Valentines Day I made him a sweet card and bought him a chocolate heart.  The husband proclaimed he would be writing a song about me.  He always has to top me, is what I thought when he said that.

It's 9:00 AM on a beautiful Monday, but this Monday is special.  It's valentines day. To my surprise I awake and don't hear the voices or screams of small children.  Could it be, I was actually able to sleep in?!  The husband did a wonderful job, that would have made my valentines day.  Then he walks in carrying his guitar and asked me to step outside with him.  He then serenades me with the sweet song he wrote about me.  I don't cry, but I am touched by the song and flattered that he wrote it for me.  I can tell he's a little upset.  I am unsure what I did wrong and decide to give him a big kiss and head in for coffee.  When I get to the pot, the husband had drunken it all.  When I get back to the husband to ask if he had made any, he was glued to the computer.  The day went on like this.  All he could think of was that stupid song and recording it.  All he talked about was that stupid song.  When I suggested we put on some love songs and have some afternoon delight he asked me to help him work on that stupid song!  He worked on that stupid song the entire night.  Leaving me alone to deal with our children, the house, and all the chores.  It was like he was saying "Happy Valentines Day babe.  I know I'm home but I figured you would really enjoy a day alone with the kids" when he knows I spend every freaking day with the kids!

To bad the week didn't get any better. The husband didn't really seem to understand why I was upset with him.  Even after explaining my reasoning.  His excuse, men don't think like that.  Only woman do.  Well if you already know woman think that way then why not try to act like you care?  I just got madder and he got clingier. It seems that when I really need space and am upset he crawls further up my butt.  I can't fucking move with out him asking me if I am okay.  He asks me like twenty times a day if I'm mad at him.  This whole issue would have been resolved if he would have just given me a little breathing room.  Men are silly and I sure have a hard time understanding them.  But I am certain they can say the same thing about us.  We have kids together and I know I never want anyone but him raising my kids but sometimes I sure would like to give up and walk away.  But life isn't easy and it gets harder when you try living with someone else.  If marriage was easy everyone would do it.

So even if this has been a valentines week from hell at least it was a valentines week from hell I got to go through with my family.  Because no matter what, I know I will always have my family!

Oh and don't get me wrong...I love my husband very much and sometimes his clingyness is sweet.  But sometimes he is knuckle head.  I love you husband, even when you upset me or piss me off!