Rainy Days

Rainy days always make me very melancholy, so to keep from getting the blues I go into crazy cleaning mood.  Well there is nothing left to clean and I am still feeling a little blue.  The husband is frustrated with me.  The kids are to busy playing with each other and the dogs are snoozing.  I am all alone, but what else is new. 

I often feel like I am living in that movie Ground Hogs Day.  Just repeating the same day over and over.  I have done pretty much the same thing every day for well over a year now.  And it's getting old.  I don't know how mothers who have been housewives 2+ years don't blow their brains out.  My whole life I have spent fighting routine.  I always wanted to be different, live outside of the box.  And here I am being jammed into the box kicking and screaming.  I know how overplayed this saying is and how everyone says it, but I really do believe I am a "free spirit" but not in a hippie sort of way. 

I am so excited because things are finally looking up.  My brother agreed to help me go to school to become a dog trainer.  I haven't spread my wings completely yet but it does feel nice to stretch them out.  I just hope this is the right path for me.  I keep thinking, oh I would be good at this, oh I'd be good at that, but I know I will be an amazing trainer. 

I have been thinking about the paths we take in life.  And how God has presented me with so many different choices or paths in my life.  How different would things be if I would have just changed one or two decisions I made? Would I still be sitting at this computer bitching about my life? I am sure the answer is yes to that last questions.  I have to admit that in this one particular area I am just like my mother.   She was never happy, always looking for the next thing.  Always trying to find that thing or person that would make her happy.  I know what makes me happy, the husband, the kids, and the dogs.  But I am just not happy with me.  I know that I was put on this earth to do so much more then just being a housewife.  That is something my mother hasn't figured out.  She just keeps searching, thinking it can't be her she's unhappy with, it must be someone or thing else. 

I have spent so much of my life looking up to my mother and the past few years I have spent hating her.  But now I pity her.  She's lost out on so many good things because she just packed up and left, she made me lose out on so many good things.  But now I can see that she is just a scared woman, afraid to make it on her own or to realize that she is the reason behind her unhappiness. Not her evil husband, not her ex drug addicted daughter, and not because she's not making enough money. 

I hope that I can look at my mother in a different light now that I have come to this realization and let go of the resentments I have had for all the heartache she has caused in my life.  All I can do is give it to God and hope for the best.

I really don't want to end up like my mother, alone because she drove everyone who ever loved her away.   I will pray for you Mom, because right now you need it the most.