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Times...They are a changing

I've lived my whole life trying to be something.  I never fit in just being me so I tried being things I wasn't.  And now I have no idea who I am.  I use to pride myself on being a strong independent woman, and I use to be a strong independent stupid woman.  Now I am nothing.  I take commands as they are given and I do what makes everyone else happy.  For 5 years I have been in the shadows.  Helping other people get their lives together.  Helping them reach a happy medium.  But that happy medium is never going to come for one person.  He is always going to to let himself be unhappy.  He is always going to keep reliving the past.  As much as he claims to love me, I think he is to trapped in his own head to truly love anyone.  You must love yourself before you can love others.  And for the other I have been helping, you can't change genes.  I know that people say it always comes down to ones self, you choice your own destiny.  But if a whole family is crazy a child born to that family is going to end up crazy.  I'm sorry but I am a product of my parents.  I may have gone down a different path but I still ended up in the same boat as them.  If someone is born from the trashy version of the devil they are not going to grow up into an elegant savior,  they are going to at some point have the same tendencies as their trashy version of the devil parent.  I'm sure if Charles Manson had a kid he's not out there planting trees and handing food out to the homeless.  I am sure that kid is fighting urges to kill kittens and puppies. 

I think I just need to get away.  Get away from the chains that bind me.  Get out of the shadows and into the light.  I am tired of living my life for others. Making other people happy before making myself happy.  I will from this day forward be as true to me as I possibly can be.  I don't give two shits about hurting feelings anymore.  My feelings have been hurt since I met my not so charming prince and I am fucking done.  I want to be the strong woman I know deep down I am.  I want to be able to be a mother to my kids and not feel guilty about it.  I want to be me god damn it!! 

Oh Annabelle

So I have recently been struggling with my choices regarding Annabelle.  I did what was best at the time but didn't think it would mean that she was out of my life forever.  My ex won't return my calls, although it probably doesn't help that I didn't have his new number, or my emails or even my facebook messages.  He hates me, and he has every right to.  He however doesn't not have every right to keep my daughter from me.

The thing he never quite understood that it was never Annabelle I didn't want it was him.  And I knew she would be better off staying with him while I tried to get my life together.  He never could understand the statement "we are split up" no matter how many times I said it he wanted to deny it.  I was the crazy one, I was the one completely in the wrong.  I was in the process of finding a roommate when Mr. Right walk into the picture.  It's not like I planned it or saw it coming. 

But shame on me, she was so young.  She never got a chance to know me.  And now that she does she is denied it.  She has a half sister and brother  and a step sister who would love to get to know her but will never get the chance.  Because Ex's pride is in the way. 

I will be the first to admit it.  I was wrong.  A complete and utter idiot for leaving her.  But it was what was right for her.  I could apologize until I am blue in the face.  But none of that will change the fact that my daughter is being raised my another woman and has no idea I exist.  I'm worse than The Baby Killer.  At least her spitting image remembers her. 

I am praying for a change.  And I am praying for a chance to know my daughter and for her to know me.  I don't know what will happen, but I won't give up hope.  Someday she'll resent him for keeping me from her. And someday she'll know that her real mother never gave up hope and always loved her, regardless of what her father has told her.  I just wanna see my Annabellie

Times They Are A Changin'

I'm tired and I'm busted.  I don't remember the last time I was truly happy or a time when I didn't have that ping of resentment in my heart.  I can truly never be happy.  I am saddled to a man who is even harder headed than I am.  Who's so focused on his own stuff that he can't seem to think about anyone else.   I spend my days taking care of a family I don't even feel connected to.  I clean, cook, entertain, make sure everyone's needs are meet and everyone one has what they need to be happy.  But NO ONE does anything to make sure my needs are meet to make sure I have everything I need to be happy.  No, I just get talked down to.  Told how certain people have to do things a certain way or I become a horrible monster to be around.  Told that I can never see the error in my ways.  Maybe it's you who turns into a monster if things don't go your way and maybe it's you who is unable to see the error in his way but are to busy pointing out everyone else's faults and problems.  If I could run away I would.  If I could just get in the car and drive away from this I would.  But I can't.  These damn kids.  My life will forever be torture because of the stupid stupid choices I have made and now have to live with permanently.  Some one please come and but a bullet in my brain because I really can't do this anymore. 

I hate myself so much.  I use to be such an optimistic person, but six years spent with a man that drags me down has changed that.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  The tunnel has been black for sooooooooooooo long.  There is no hope for me.  He is never going to change and I am never going to be the woman he seems to want me to be.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  Nothing matters anymore.  The simple joys I had, like reading a good book, have been stomped out.  I no longer enjoy music.  I don't even watch my beloved Munsters.  I know that I am the only person to blame for the situation I have gotten myself in but, FUCK it sucks.  Seriously someone please come and end me... because these times they are a changin' and it isn't going to be pleasant.

Moving Forward

I feel as if lately I have been growing a lot as a person.  I guess it feels most like I am relating less and less with younger people and more and more with "adults".  Don't get me wrong I am still a weirdo and act like the biggest tard at times but I definitely feel like I am starting a new chapter in my life.

I took a big step today, I sent my step father a letter of apology.  I have known for some time now (since I got sober) that it was something that I needed to do but I was still to hurt and filled with anger.  For the first time I saw things from his side.  I realized how hard it is to be a step parent and a good one at that and how difficult I was a kid.  I apologized for my actions but didn't take responsibility for his actions, which was hard for me.  I tend to take responsibility for to much.  He was a complete and total ass to me and he was the "adult" so technically he should have known better,  but I do understand it was hard and I made things even more difficult.  I just hope this step will lead us in the right direction.  We have (him more than I) been at each others throats for some time now and it just doesn't make any sense to keep it up.

I hope this new chapter I am starting leads me down a less destructive and more productive path than I have been on before.  I really feel like I finally have my head on straight and can see past all the prior bullshit.  The future is wide open and I can't wait to embrace it!