I've lived my whole life trying to be something. I never fit in just being me so I tried being things I wasn't. And now I have no idea who I am. I use to pride myself on being a strong independent woman, and I use to be a strong independent stupid woman. Now I am nothing. I take commands as they are given and I do what makes everyone else happy. For 5 years I have been in the shadows. Helping other people get their lives together. Helping them reach a happy medium. But that happy medium is never going to come for one person. He is always going to to let himself be unhappy. He is always going to keep reliving the past. As much as he claims to love me, I think he is to trapped in his own head to truly love anyone. You must love yourself before you can love others. And for the other I have been helping, you can't change genes. I know that people say it always comes down to ones self, you choice your own destiny. But if a whole family is crazy a child born to that family is going to end up crazy. I'm sorry but I am a product of my parents. I may have gone down a different path but I still ended up in the same boat as them. If someone is born from the trashy version of the devil they are not going to grow up into an elegant savior, they are going to at some point have the same tendencies as their trashy version of the devil parent. I'm sure if Charles Manson had a kid he's not out there planting trees and handing food out to the homeless. I am sure that kid is fighting urges to kill kittens and puppies.
I think I just need to get away. Get away from the chains that bind me. Get out of the shadows and into the light. I am tired of living my life for others. Making other people happy before making myself happy. I will from this day forward be as true to me as I possibly can be. I don't give two shits about hurting feelings anymore. My feelings have been hurt since I met my not so charming prince and I am fucking done. I want to be the strong woman I know deep down I am. I want to be able to be a mother to my kids and not feel guilty about it. I want to be me god damn it!!
